HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
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casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
*names my little horse OneTrick*
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?