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That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Have kids, they said
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive