-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!