In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
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“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.