pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
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A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Cheers Twitter.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I gave up going to work for lent.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals