Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
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My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.