Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
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[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
How to woo a woman
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
me as a parent
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Smooooooth
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.