Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
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Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”