How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
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The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
can’t catch a break
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
how it started vs how it ended
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that