I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
You Might Also Like
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I forgot how to panic. Help
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Terribly Tuesday.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh