Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
what does he know…
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb