I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
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I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it