Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
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Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old