I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.