Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
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Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Not all heroes wear capes…
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.