GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.