Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”