looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
we did it you guys we saved daylight
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.