Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
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They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
nature’s most graceful animal
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.