I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
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I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
same vibe as tangled headphones
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
…żyje?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
For the ones in the back.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
can’t wait til they legalize outside
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??