New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
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Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.