Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
You Might Also Like
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.