I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
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I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
scares
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Never forget.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time