Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
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Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
im 7 sauces long
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.