Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Did I do this right
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Don’t frighten the programmers!
He’s cranky this morning
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag