I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
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Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
bias laundering edition
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Name this drama.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.