[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
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Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
john wicks are toilet candles
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find