OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
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Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.