Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
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Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Love it! 👍😂
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.