Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
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I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.