If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
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Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I’m not lazy
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
where’s Godzilla when we need him
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.