Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
You Might Also Like
No. He’s not coming out to play
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.