If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
You Might Also Like
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.