If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
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I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Blew my mind.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.