Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
You Might Also Like
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.