When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
You Might Also Like
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.