A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
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In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
These aren’t even hard anymore.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.