Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
You Might Also Like
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
can’t catch a break
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
💁🏻♂️
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that