Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
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CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law