sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
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“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
okay run it by me one more time
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.