If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
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Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross