Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
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How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is