Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
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Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right