*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
You Might Also Like
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Today’s Times
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
So sick of all these stupid rules
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie