I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
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HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
How to properly lift a body
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it