I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
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*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.