Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
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Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.