My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.