“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
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Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo