{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
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I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?